SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND — In a landmark decision for the American diet industry, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that it has officially approved Taco Bell as the nation’s newest prescription weight-loss medication following what officials described as extremely convincing gastrointestinal results.
Following a highly successful, albeit entirely unintended, Phase III clinical trial in the Midwest involving shredded iceberg lettuce, the regulatory agency praised the fast-food chain’s innovative approach to rapid gastric emptying.
“Unlike expensive injectable medications that suppress appetite over several months, Taco Bell begins working almost immediately,” FDA Commissioner Marty Makary explained during a press conference. “Our data shows that patients prescribed a standard dose of three Crunchy Tacos and a large Baja Blast experienced unparalleled short-term results”
Health officials praised Taco Bell for offering an affordable alternative to popular weight-loss medications, noting that a month’s supply can often be purchased for less than the average insurance copay.
Participants lost an average of 14 pounds within 72 hours, with several reporting weight losses exceeding 20 pounds after opting for the Nachos BellGrande and two Beefy 5-Layer Burritos.
The agency also confirmed that a pharmaceutical version of Taco Bell is currently undergoing expedited review, with the Taco Bell research and development team seeking secondary FDA approval to condense their proprietary lettuce blend into a daily, swallowable pill, offering consumers all the explosive gastrointestinal benefits of a Mexican Pizza without any of the unnecessary calories.
