ATLANTIC OCEAN– The frantic search for the OceanGate Titan submarine has been called off after rescue teams were able to find the submersible hidden inside Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie’s stomach.
According to the search and rescue team, Christie was seen fighting a group of Humpback whales for the chance to eat the submarine when the former New Jersey governor was able to fight off the other large mammals and swallow the submersible whole.
“We are happy to announce that we were able to locate the OceanGate submarine,” said Flipper Baleen, head of the search team that discovered the sub. “After harpooning Mr. Christie and dragging him back to shore, we cut open his belly and removed the missing sub.”
Baleen said rescuers also found numerous other items inside Christie’s stomach, including a beach chair, ten pullover sweaters, former union leader Jimmy Hoffa, and the Titanic itself.
“No wonder the submarine crew couldn’t find the Titanic when it was sitting inside Mr. Christie’s stomach,” said Baleen with a chuckle. “The five person crew was still alive but visibly shaken after being eaten by the governor. Every one of them said it was the most horrifying experience of their lives.”
Christie gave a news conference and apologized for eating the sub, claiming that he was super hungry after not eating for five minutes due to cutting his meals down to only eating ninety-five times a day.
