HEBRON, KENTUCKY — At a rally Tuesday night, Donald Trump stunned supporters by announcing that his newest endorsement in the Kentucky Republican race was the visibly soaked underarms of YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul, which the president said had already “done more honest work in five minutes than Thomas Massie has done in ten years.”
The endorsement came shortly after Paul joined Trump onstage, where the president noticed two rapidly expanding dark patches spreading beneath the influencer’s arms and slowly pushing through the lining of his suit jacket, causing Trump to stop mid-sentence.
“Look at that,” Trump said in awe, pointing toward the massive perspiration stains under Jake’s arms. “Have you ever seen sweat stains like that? Massive. That’s effort. That’s energy. Tremendous work ethic. That’s a worker. Those armpits have produced more gallons of American liquid in five minutes than Thomas Massie has produced pieces of legislation in ten years. It’s not even close.”
Trump then told the crowd of rallygoers that Paul’s armpit stains were polling incredibly well, explaining that Massie never votes with the Republicans, while the armpits show up, sweat, and get the job done.
At press time, several Republican candidates were reportedly considering whether appearing at campaign events wearing extra clothing in extremely warm rooms might improve their chances of receiving Trump’s approval.
