MOGADISHU, SOMALIA — Following a devastating primary defeat that left him ousted from the U.S. Congress, former Texas Congressman Dan Crenshaw has reportedly found a new, surprisingly lucrative career path by joining a band of Somali pirates, where he says the pay is even more profitable than Congressional insider trading.
According to various sources, the ousted RINO Republican was last seen standing on the bow of a skiff, wielding an AK-47, and screaming commands at a passing shipping container. Sources close to the unemployed politician say he is happy and thriving in his new Somali pirate role and has finally leaned into the swashbuckling lifestyle his signature eyepatch has always foreshadowed.
“I figured if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well pivot to an industry where the looting is at least honest,” Dan Crenshaw told his Somali crewmates. “Plus, at least here I don’t have to hide my criminality and pretend that the plunder is for the public good.”
Somali pirate leaders say the former congressman quickly proved useful, especially with his background experience in insider trading, bribery, and stealing from American taxpayers.
Back in Washington, ethics watchdogs expressed concern about Crenshaw’s new occupation, saying although technically piracy is illegal, simply taking valuables after aggressively acquiring access to them is a gray area that Congress has already been operating in for years.
