PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — Former President Joe Biden reportedly reached out to the lone Black male juror who voted to convict Lindsay Clancy this week, warning the man that he may need to reconsider his racial identity and that “he ain’t black” if he continues refusing to support an acquittal.
The former President made the declaration during a surprise appearance on a morning radio show, attempting to comfort millions of liberal white women who had spent the last 48 hours trapped in a paralyzing state of cognitive dissonance. Suburban book clubs and TikTok therapists had been hopelessly deadlocked trying to calculate the progressive math of whether a white mother’s “lived postpartum truth” outranked a Black man’s steadfast moral compass.
“Come on, man, it’s simple,” Biden whispered aggressively into the microphone. “You can’t just go into a jury room and start reading the actual law when there are nine women and two other men in pink cardigans trying to hold space for a toxic wellness journey. That’s not who we are. That’s a bunch of malarkey. Real solidarity means ignoring the evidence.”
Meanwhile, supporters of Lindsay Clancy reportedly continued to struggle with the discovery that their most inconvenient juror was also the demographic they had spent years describing as deserving to be believed, heard and centered.
At publishing time, Biden was reportedly preparing a follow-up statement clarifying that Black Americans were free to disagree with him, provided they understood that doing so could create serious questions about whether they were still Black enough for him to agree with them.
