WASHINGTON– After the major news broke accusing Joe Biden of using the alias Robert L. Peters to commit crimes, an older man with white hair and mustache who eerily resembled the president surfaced and told the world that he is definitely, positively, assuredly not Joe Biden.
Once he finished sniffing a few female news reporter’s hair, the infamous Robert L. Peters meandered onto the stage and stood behind the podium where he gave a barely intelligible speech praising Biden and promising that the president is a very good man.
“Look, fat, here’s the deal,” said Peters as his white mustache began sliding down his wrinkled face. “I’m here to prove to the world that I’m not Joe Biden. My name is, uh, hold on let me check my hand…it says ‘check other hand’…oh yeah, I’m Robert Pattinson, no wait, Ron DeSantis. So who the hell am I supposed to be, Jack?”
Peters went on to say that President Biden is one of the most honest men to have ever lived, and hasn’t committed any crimes. He said that people need to leave Biden alone and should start investigating Donald Trump for the time he tweeted that thing that was kind of mean.
“Now that we’ve proven me and Joe are two different people, I guess I’ll go get me some ice cream,” said Peters as he ripped off his fake mustache and walked away without answering any questions.
The DOJ stated that Peters was telling the truth and that him and Biden are two different people, so no charges will be brought against the president. Upon further investigation, Democrat prosecutors discovered that Trump was in fact Robert L. Peters and will be indicted for both using the pseudonym to commit crimes and for pretending to be Biden pretending to be Robert L. Peters.
