SUN CITY, FL—Residents of the Shady Acres Senior Living Community awoke Tuesday morning to discover that former President Joe Biden had been overwhelmingly elected President of the Residents Council after an unexpected 3:07 a.m. ballot count gave him a commanding lead over his opponent.
Despite Shady Acres having a maximum occupancy of exactly 142 seniors, the final certified tally showed Biden securing a historic, record-breaking 81,459,211 votes.
“Look, folks, here’s the deal,” Biden said Tuesday morning, wearing his aviators to cover his lying eyes. “This whole ballot dumping thing is malarkey. Come on, man! The seniors are just fired up. Not a joke! I give you my word as a Biden, nobody stuffed any duffel bags. We just built back better. And the idea that I’d need to cheat to beat a guy who falls asleep during Wheel of Fortune? Will you shut up, man?”
Election officials at the retirement home initially reported challenger Mort “Skip” Johnson leading comfortably with 101 votes to 41. But shortly after most residents had gone back to bed following their nightly 2:30 bathroom trips, staff members reportedly wheeled several laundry carts labeled “Definitely Not Ballots” into the recreation hall.
Even though Biden denied the cheating rumors, suspicions at Shady Acres only deepened after a leaked, handwritten sticky note outlining the underground Friday Night Bingo payouts was discovered. The new syndicate rules clearly stated that twenty percent was for the caller, and 10% of the Werther’s Originals were for the Big Guy.
