WASHINGTON– In a press conference that left reporters, physicists, and conspiracy theorists equally baffled, Attorney General Pam Bondi declared yesterday that the long-rumored Jeffrey Epstein files are simultaneously sitting on her desk and do not exist at all.
AG Pam Bondi delivered her statement with the calm confidence of a person who has transcended linear reality, thrusting the Attorney General’s office into the realm of quantum mechanics where the files are now considered to be in a superposition of existence and nonexistence.
“I can confirm that the Epstein files are right here on my desk,” said Bondi, gesturing to a mahogany surface cluttered with various Fox News merchandise. “Also, I can confirm that no such files exist, nor have they ever existed. It’s quite simple, really.”
The Department of Justice has struggled to address the growing chaos, clarifying that the Attorney General’s desk is not, to their knowledge, a rift in spacetime, but admitted that “we can neither confirm nor deny the presence of documents that may or may not exist.”
During a follow-up press conference, Bondi doubled down on her stance that the Epstein files both exist and don’t exist, holding up a blank piece of paper where she declared it was “the essence of the Epstein files.”
“This paper is both full of secrets and completely empty,” she said with a chuckle. “I guess we can now finally close this Jeffrey Epstein case that happened but also never happened.”
