WASHINGTON– The White House released an emergency statement Wednesday regarding the pigeon that pooped on President Joe Biden’s shoulder, saying US intelligence agencies have discovered that the bird is a Russian operative working on behalf of the Kremlin.
White House press secretary Jen Psaki announced the urgent news during this morning’s press conference and promised that Vladimir Putin will be held responsible for desecrating the old, senile man who pretends that he’s the president of the United States.
“Our sources have confirmed that the bird in question is in fact a Russian asset,” said Psaki as news reporters gasped at the horrifying revelation. “Sending a highly trained pigeon with obvious military experience to crap on the president of the United States is basically an act of war, or something.”
Psaki held up a few large photos that CIA agents captured of the rogue pigeon, showing the bird waving a Russian flag and wearing a ushanka hat immediately after it had dropped a few white direct hits onto Biden’s suit jacket.
“Our highly advanced audio equipment captured the bird muttering words in the Russian language,” said Psaki as she counted down the days until she quits. “Apparently this is the same pigeon who helped Trump win the 2016 election.”
The Pentagon says they translated the Russian bird’s words into English, with the pigeon saying, “Long live Russia. God Bless Putin. Down with America, except for Donald Trump whom we love and helped win the election.”
Comment* Putin will be eliminated soon
Putin will save the world.