LONDON, UK — Pacing the living room of his remarkably quiet home, former Prime Minister Keir Starmer has reportedly spent the last 48 hours staring at his phone, agonizing over whether his recent exit from government means he is officially cut from the guest list for next year’s highly exclusive World Leaders’ Coke Party.
Having officially resigned as Prime Minister in July, and recently announcing his resignation as the MP to “focus on international affairs”, Keir Starmer is navigating a terrifying new reality as a private citizen, among his concerns is the sudden lack of invitations to do hard drugs on luxury trains with European dignitaries.
“I mean, technically, I specifically said I was stepping down to focus on global matters, which surely includes high-level diplomatic after-parties,” Starmer muttered, frantically refreshing his WhatsApp messages to see if the French President had added him to the ‘Kyiv 2027 Rager’ group chat. “Just because Andy Burnham is the new Prime Minister doesn’t mean I can’t hang out in a train carriage and look suspiciously at a crumpled piece of tissue paper. I still own the exact same navy blue jumper I wore last time!”
According to friends, Starmer initially assumed his resignation would merely mean handing over the keys to Downing Street, his government-issued phone, and several thousand pages of policy documents nobody had read, not considering the possibility that he might also lose access to the extremely exclusive, world leaders’ cocaine orgy parties.
At publishing time, Starmer was seen following behind Andy Burnham at a press conference, offering to carry the new Prime Minister’s luggage, act as his personal valet, or literally climb inside a garment bag if it guaranteed him a seat on next year’s party train.
