LONDON, UK– Top officials from across Europe, including Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer, French President Emmanuel Macron, and German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, vehemently denied allegations that their recent summit in London was anything more than a professional exchange of diplomatic pleasantries.
Reporters immediately raised eyebrows when all four leaders stepped onto the podium wearing sunglasses indoors, speaking unusually fast, and repeatedly grabbing each other’s buttocks during a series of awkward-looking hugs.
“That was not cocaine, it was, uh, French baking powder,” said Macron when questioned later about the accusations. “I was making French croissants for my fellow world leaders and then I spilled the white powder all over my clothes, which is why I was completely naked when they arrived.”
After the last summit meeting, rumors began swirling when a video from a train ride showed the three leaders minus Zelensky huddled in a small compartment, allegedly hiding a bag of cocaine and what appeared to be a rainbow-colored jockstrap.
“These allegations are absurd,” said PM Starmer, sniffing intensely. “The only white powder we brought with us to this meeting was democracy. Any pictures or videos that may be released of me without trousers giving Zelensky a backrub are complete Russian disinformation.”
Zelensky ended the interview by actually admitting the gay coke orgies were true, but was just happy that he actually got invited to one this time.
