ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA– In a bold new tactic meant to ramp up the deportation of illegal aliens, ICE agents have begun duct-taping incandescent lightbulbs to the end of broomsticks and sticking them into the ground outside Somali homes across Minnesota, aiming to exploit the community’s uncanny resemblance to household lighting fixtures.
Sources close to the agency claim the operation has already netted dozens of arrests, with Border Czar Tom Homan claiming the idea was not only ingenious, but also cost-effective and scalable.
“It’s ingenious,” said ICE Director Tom Homan. “These Somalis are so skinny, they look like broomsticks. And their heads? Perfectly spherical, just like a lightbulb. We’re basically offering them a free family reunion with their long-lost cousins in the hardware aisle. It’s kind of ironic since between all the Somalis there isn’t a bright one among the bunch.”
According to field reports, Somalians emerged from their residences like moths to a flame as soon as they noticed the lightbulb sticks, many of the bulbs adorned with women’s makeup, thinking they had found their soulmate waiting right outside their door.
Critics call the tactic racist and inhumane, with Democrats claiming the Trump administration’s tactic as entrapment via ethnic caricature. Agents have already deported 300 Somalians, all of whom were reportedly shocked to discover the lightbulb sticks weren’t real people.
At publishing time, ICE had already begun prototyping upgrades in an effort to expedite the arrests by including LED bulbs that wink suggestively with Bluetooth speakers blasting Somali folk tunes.
