Dear Trump

Dear Trump: Wife torn about future job position:

DEAR TRUMP: I’m very excited about my wife’s possible chance at becoming the very first female president of the United States, being that I also held the same highest position for two consecutive terms. I know, I’ll put away the bragging photos. Now, here’s where I’d like to get your advice, Dear Trump.

My beautiful wife of, um, such and such amount of years, is questioning her competence and abilities at performing the serious duties required of anyone holding that difficult position. I know by my own personal experience how hard it can be trying to hold difficult positions while in the Oval Office. You try balancing two people’s weight between a desk and a rolling chair. Sorry, just kidding.

Anyways, I love my sweet wife, I really do. You can’t believe all the stories you’ve heard about me in those supermarket rag-sheets, like the one that said I had sesual relations with one of my interns or the one that said I frequented a beach resort known as Sex Island. Those media folk have a wild imagination and sure have a wonderful time ribbing me.

Now, if my wife decides that she can’t handle the stresses or responsibilities of the position, then what should we do? I mean, do you believe in your ultimate wisdom that this will affect my standing with the ladies, or even worse, that I won’t have any more romps in the White House? — SLICK WILLY DADDY

DEAR SLICK WILLY DADDY: Sorry to hear about your wife’s professional woes. I too had trepidation and uncertainty twice. Like the time I got excited after seeing my reflection in a Prada window as I stepped over a bum to get into my limo, or the time I had to spank my 21 year old daughter and wished that my wife had an ass as firm as she did.

Now, listen to me carefully. What you need to do is first tell your lazy, buffoonish wife to get off the wagon and go become an alcoholic again. I found that inundating myself with alcohol helps relieve the stress of having over $10 billion dollars as well as having to relieve myself while Mexican maids clean out my office.

You’re so lucky to have been able to write in to me and ask me a question. I almost feel jealous that you had that opportunity. If your wife has any other professional or business questions then she can read my new book How To Slaughter The Competition With Only Your Good Looks. As I always say, wrap it tight or spend the night. DEAR TRUMP

BIO: Businessman, reality star, male model, purveyor of every woman’s masturbatory fantasies. Every week millions of adoring fans write in asking Dear Trump for his advice on a wide range of topics, such as business, politics, religion, relationships, and whatever else the businessman is willing to answer. We post these letters with permission from alternate reality Trump in his own corner of the universe: Dear Trump.