WASHINGTON– In an effort to keep up with modern society, the United States Army has upgraded the antiquated, straight white male, national personification Uncle Sam to the more modern, progressive Aunt Samantha, saying the upgrade was long overdue and necessary for America to become the world’s most inclusive military in existence.
The Pentagon revealed Uncle Sam’s new identity on their Twitter account Friday, calling this one of the greatest achievements in modern history.
“As we strive to be as inclusive as possible, we decided that our Uncle Sam image also needed a more modern improvement,” said General Harry Fluffenbottom to the praise of numerous Twitter bots. “The new trans Aunt Samantha also identifies as a pansexual, foreign born African, checking off a few more social points.”
Aunt Samantha’s long blond hair, makeup, and fake breasts perfectly displays the current state of the new woke US Army.
In addition to Uncle Sam’s makeover, the Pentagon says other iconic American figures will also be getting a much-needed facelift, including the patriotic female personification Lady Liberty who will now be trans-species, having the head of a woman and the body of a walrus.
Aunt Samantha made her official foreign debut on the US embassy in China Saturday, drawing the praise of President Xi Jinping who said he appreciates America’s willingness to destroy themselves from within because it gives him more time to focus on making his own soldiers more masculine and aggressive so that he won’t have much resistance once he decides to take over the west.
