SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH– Experts at the Salt Lake City Medical Center are urgently warning people to make sure that they don’t forget to breathe or else they’ll die. Hospitals across the country are being inundated with people who all of a sudden forgot to breathe, causing hundreds of thousands of people to either drop dead or lose vital brain functioning.
In a statement put out by SLCMC, the mass influx of people who are forgetting to breathe has been linked to a new reality show airing on Fox called American Idols Got Talent While Dancing With The Stars, hosted by Simon Cowell’s grandmother’s neighbor’s husband’s proctologist.
“Yes, this’s a very serious issue,” said Dr. Sigmund Freud, head physician at SLCMC. “With the airing of this new Fox reality show, millions of people are suddenly forgetting to breathe, causing numerous deaths. We’re not quite certain why this is, but apparently, combining too many reality shows into one show overloads peoples’ brains, which sends them into a state of catatonia.”
Mary Stiffler, 37, admits that ever since this new reality show came on, not only has she forgotten to breathe, but she’s also not digested her food, blinked, or even let her heart beat.
“I know, I feel kinda silly,” Stiffler said from her hospital bed, hooked up to a dialysis machine. “But I can’t help it. You guys don’t understand. This’s the ultimate reality show and something just comes over me while I’m watching it. I feel like I’m in some kinda trance, or something.”
According to Dr. Freud, Mary Stiffler may be correct.
“Our studies show that there is a link between this new television show and mind control,” he said as he used a coloring book to prove his theory. “With our nanotechnology equipment, we were able to locate specific beams being shot out of the television screen and into people’s brains.”
Dr. Freud wants people to know that there is hope.
“It’s simple,” he explained, shrugging his shoulders. “Turn off the damn TV.”
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars