CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA– With all the recent news regarding the TSA and its controversial practices, the agency has officially decided to take a softer approach to its security measures by giving would-be passengers hugs instead of the usual intrusive body scans, strip searches, cavity checks, hernia exams, mammograms, and anything else that requires taking off all your clothes in front of hundreds of other people and being subjected to embarrassing torture.
According to a statement put out by the TSA, passengers were very accepting of the idea of receiving hugs rather than having equipment shoved into their anuses to check for illegal meals eaten the night before.
“We conducted tests on airports across the country,” TSA spokesman Barry Smallwood said, “and the results were astonishing. Apparently, passengers prefer getting hugged by our TSA agents rather than being violated in every way imaginable. We were shocked.”
In the research conducted by the TSA, 100% of passengers stated that they preferred a warm hug as they entered through the airport, citing that it feels nice to relate to TSA agents on a more personal level.
“It made me feel happy,” said 34 year old Susan Johnson, a frequent flyer. “Before my last flight I was having a really bad day and I was even more angry thinking about the body search I was gonna get once I got to the airport. Imagine my surprise when the agent looked at me, smiled, and then grabbed hold of me. I almost wanted to cry tears of joy.”
Even though the TSA says its new friendly approach will revolutionize air travel, Smallwood warns that security is still a concern.
“We still have a job to do,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Which’s why we’ve integrated the hugs with a very mild form of rubbing up and down the passenger’s body, but in a very nonchalant manner. Hopefully the passenger will just think the TSA agent is coming on to them.”
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars