MIAMI, FLORIDA– Last night’s third Republican presidential debate was cut down to only five candidates after former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had gotten a sudden hunger attack before the event and ate both Mike Pence and Doug Burgum.
According to sources at the event, RNC organizers were scrambling to come up with an excuse as to why Pence and Burgum would be a no-show after getting eaten by Christie, eventually telling everyone that Pence had dropped out of the race and Burgum didn’t qualify.
“Well, it looks like it’s down to just the five of us now,” said Christie to the other candidates while picking Pence’s finger from between his teeth. “Hey, what’s with making us wait till after the debate to eat? I had to go five minutes without eating after having to waddle from the dressing room to the backstage. Good thing I found a couple tasty morsels waiting back there for me to munch on.”
Unfortunately for Pence and Burgum, they made the critical mistake of coming to the event and then getting a little too close to a fat man while he was starving.
“Say, uh, Ron, you look like you’ve packed a little meat on your bones,” said Christie to DeSantis as he licked his lips in hunger. “You’re looking a little beefy there yourself, Tim. How about you two guys meet me back in my dressing room for a post debate buffet. I’m kind of in the mood for a little Italian and soul food tonight.”
At publishing time, it was announced that the next Republican primary debate will now be down to only three candidates, Chris Christie, Nikki Haley, and Vivek Ramaswamy.
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