SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA—The California Department of Justice announced that it has launched a multi-agency criminal investigation into Smokey Bear after the beloved public safety mascot was overheard agreeing with President Donald Trump that clearing leaves from the forest floor could mitigate catastrophic wildfires.
Governor Gavin Newsom launched the joint probe after a leaked audio recording caught Smokey nodding in solemn agreement with a 2018 quote from President Donald Trump regarding the necessity of forest raking.
“We will not allow our state’s complex, multi-billion-dollar climate crisis to be solved by the hateful, divisive, pro-raking MAGA rhetoric of a bear who clearly watches too much Fox News,” Newsom said at an emergency press conference. “We are allocating $400 million to a special committee to investigate Mr. Bear’s ties to Donald Trump. It’s clear Smokey Bear has been thoroughly radicalized by right-wing media.”
California Democrats pulled out all the stops to make the bear’s life an absolute living hell by executing a pre-dawn raid on Smokey’s cave in the Angeles National Forest and seizing his trademark shovel, which the state is currently trying to classify as an illegal, non-serialized assault weapon.
At press time, Democrats had expanded the probe after discovering that Smokey’s cousin, Yogi Bear, once described a pile of dry brush as “probably not ideal,” treating the matter as a possible coordinated conspiracy.
