AUSTIN, TEXAS—Standing in front of a massive “Texas First” banner and surrounded by Indian tech moguls, Republican Governor Greg Abbott triumphantly announced that his administration has successfully secured enough H-1B foreign worker visas to completely replace the state’s entire remaining native workforce with imported labor.
During the historic press conference, Governor Abbott boasted that the sweeping initiative marks the culmination of his years-long effort to transform the state’s demographics while maintaining a strict, tough-on-the-border public persona.
“Today, we celebrate not just economic growth, but the end of Texas as you knew it,” a beaming Greg Abbott told a crowd of applauding real estate developers, tech executives, and corporate lobbyists. “For too long, our majestic suburban corporate parks have been burdened by the sluggish, demanding expectations of the local workforce. I am proud to report that as of this morning, we have finally imported enough overseas labor to ensure no native Texan will ever have to suffer the indignity of earning a paycheck again.”
According to the governor’s office, the final phase of the replacement program will begin next month, when the last remaining employed Texan—a shift manager at a Lubbock Whataburger—will be asked to train his H-1B replacement before permanently vacating the premises.
“Our bold initiative ensures that from oil rigs to McDonald’s counters, no job will remain untouched by cheaper, more obedient labor.”
At press time, the Governor’s office was reportedly finalizing a new state curriculum to replace high school football with mandatory cricket practice, while reassuring anxious residents that his own job and governor’s salary remain 100% immune to outsourcing.
