DUBLIN, CALIFORNIA — Following his abrupt resignation from Congress and disgraced exit from the California gubernatorial race over a myriad of sexual misconduct allegations, unemployed former Congressman Eric Swalwell told reporters Monday that his biggest post-career anxiety is whether his wife’s presence around the house is going to completely ruin the vibe of his midday hooker orgies.
The now jobless Eric Swalwell said he is determined to maintain his long-standing tradition of lavish, paid-for group sex sessions, but admitted the new living arrangement presents logistical challenges, particularly having to deal with his wife’s increasing discomfort with the number of “afternoon briefings” taking place in their home office.
“Look, I’ve always been a very private person,” Eric Swalwell said while standing in his suburban driveway. “I used to do this stuff in my congressional office after hours or at nice hotels on the taxpayer dime. Now I’m stuck at home and my wife is just… there. It’s going to be awkward as hell trying to keep the vibe going while she’s upstairs folding laundry.”
Swalwell went on to say that it’s difficult enough explaining to his wife why there’s always three extra cars parked outside, but now that he’s unemployed he’ll need to start figuring out how to tell his spouse why his special “constituents” are showing up at the house at all hours of the night.
“I really hope my wife doesn’t make this super weird for everyone,” Swalwell sighed. “The worst thing about all of this is now I’m paying for these escorts out of my own pocket, rather than on the taxpayer’s dime.”
In related news, a coalition of House Democrats and Republicans announced plans to convert Swalwell’s former office into a members-only brothel to promote cross-party collaboration and reduce carbon emissions from late-night car rides.
“Swalwell may be gone, but our taxpayer-funded sex orgies must continue,” said one teary-eyed Congressman.
