PoopGate: Republicans Launch Investigation Into Whether Biden Pooped His Pants Overseas

WASHINGTON– Concerned Republicans have decided to open a serious inquiry into whether Joe Biden pooped his pants while visiting the Pope in Italy last week, claiming that this is an international collusion crime that the president needs to be held accountable for.

Republican Senators Ted Cruz of Texas and Rand Paul of Kentucky drafted up the #PoopGate documents and presented the 9,000 page report to the media early this morning, calling an emergency press conference to discuss the most important thing that’s currently on the minds of American citizens, not vaccine mandates, loss of income, or not having any food to eat.

“Americans want to know whether President Biden dropped a load in his underwear while on a diplomatic mission to Italy,” said Senator Paul as he held up a photo of what he claims are skid marks on Biden’s pants. “The Republican party won’t rest until we get to the bottom of this extremely crucial mystery.”

After Fox News reporters clapped in agreement, Senator Cruz took the microphone and cited a few random lines of the Constitution to confuse anyone who may have doubts as to the legitimacy of the steamy crap investigation.

“The excrement stops here, President Biden,” said Cruz while pointing his finger at the camera. “We listened to our constituents and I feel that spending billions of taxpayer dollars looking into whether President Biden soiled his trousers is their number one concern. I truly believe in my heart that most citizens aren’t concerned about losing their jobs, their livelihoods, or their family over Biden’s unconstitutional mandates.”

Cruz added that many Fecal Matters groups reached out to him and the GOP this past week, informing him that Biden’s poopy pants controversy is now their number one, not number two, concern

“Democrats spent billions of dollars investigating Donald Trump in the Mueller Probe,” said Cruz. “Well, two can play at that game. Now it’s our turn to investigate the left in what we’re calling the ‘Manure Probe.’ Get it?”