SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND– The FDA has granted emergency use authorization for the feeding of young children ages 5 to 11 to ravenous alligators, with the White House saying that full approval would probably be imminent any day now, so why not.
After reviewing all the evidence thoroughly by watching scared children getting thrown into alligator pits for nine weeks at their Maryland testing facility, the Food and Drug Administration experts deemed that the benefits far outweigh the risks and immediately recommended that parents around the country be forced into complying with the government’s demands whether they approve of it or not.
“We’re only doing this for the best interest of the children,” said an FDA spokesperson, showing news reporters a confusing chart of graphs to back up their full approval recommendation. “President Biden has proven that he only cares about America’s children by mandating that all children be eaten alive by starving 800 pound reptiles.”
While talking loudly over the screams of innocent children, the spokesperson added, “Any parent that disagrees with our ruling is disagreeing with science. All the scientific data proves that our decision is based on facts, not feelings or lining the pockets of billion dollar pharmaceutical companies.”
With a straight face, the spokesperson also pointed out the fact that the alligator vaccine has no adverse side effects.
The totally legitimate organization known as the CDC praised the FDA’s authorization, taking their approval even further by saying that every single person across the globe should be devoured by alligators to save the world.
“This is the only way we’re going to defeat this dangerous, creepy virus thing,” said Pfizer representative Irwin R. Schyster. “The alligator vaccines we developed by Pfizer will save the lives all of our top globalist elites from the dangerous contagion known as humanity.”
Fucking
Dumb
Asses