TRENTON, NEW JERSEY– After winning reelection in the race for New Jersey governor by only a razor thin margin, Phil Murphy wanted to personally thank all the deceased voters who helped him pull through in the final hour to defeat his Republican opponent Jack Ciattarelli.
Murphy was all smiles as he lovingly patted the tops of all the tombstones in a local cemetery in Bergen County, New Jersey early this morning, thanking them for coming out in full force on Election Day to give him a legitimate victory and ensuring that he will be able to carry out his altruistic plan of destroying the Garden State before everyone leaves en masse.
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” said Murphy with a toothy grin to the numerous headstones as they sat there quietly listening to their leader. “As an appreciation for all your hard work and dedication toward my reelection campaign, I will be excluding all of you from my upcoming vaccine mandate that I’ll be imposing on all the insolent fools who voted against me.”
Once the crowd’s hooting and hollering died down, Murphy added, “New Jersey is known nationwide for its legitimate elections. No other state in the entire country can boast so many Democrat corpses, cadavers, skeletons, and dead bodies on the voter rolls.”
After Murphy’s riveting acceptance speech, thousands of jubilant tombstones cheered in deafening silence as the beloved governor went around thanking each grave individually.
“Rest assured, under my totally legitimate governorship they’ll be plenty more people joining you guys here as soon as I get everyone jabbed with the totally safe vaccine,” said Murphy right before he bit the head off a bat and drank its blood. “Due to my overwhelming popularity, a new CNN poll says I’ll have a guaranteed win in the 2024 presidential election.”
The White House put out a statement saying that President Joe Biden is proud of Murphy’s totally legitimate win by using the Biden strategy of dumping ballots in the middle of the night when the dead rise up from their graves.
