HAMBURG, GERMANY– In a stunning defeat to become the new chancellor of Germany, a 19 year old male Syrian refugee named Houmam Rasha Lamma-Dayoub has defeated former chancellor Angela Merkel in the greatest political landslide in Germany’s history.
At an acceptance speech inside the German Federal Government building in Bundesregierung, newly elected Chancellor Lamma-Dayoub laid out the future groundwork for what he says will be a much-needed change to a faltering and economically unstable Germany.
“I thanks you all for the voting,” said the new chancellor by way of google translator. “My winnings will have greatest effects for on Germany and his peoples. I will shit on Germany’s throne of power while I makes my decidings.”
According to Germany’s top newspaper the Fick Dich, Lamma-Dayoub won by a substantial margin, beating out incumbent Merkel with 98% of the votes. Merkel’s Christian Democratic Union party has been taking a lot of heat lately due to Merkel’s soft approach to Germany’s immigration issue, with millions of Syrian, Iraqi, Saudi, hillbilly and other refugees flooding into the already overburdened nation.
Lamma-Dayoub’s newly created Syrians To Rape And Destroy Germany party has gained much traction after Merkel’s failed attempt at controlling the sensitive immigration issue and also for a soft-core sex tape of her that mysteriously leaked out to various news outlets days before the election.
“I bring much happiness to Germany,” Lamma-Dayoub stated proudly as thousands of German women were being raped in the audience by STRADG party members. “I comed to Germany from Syria with only my dreams, bombs and dirty underwears and now I am king. Wow, I really love this country.”
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