LONDON, UK– In a historic press conference, Prime Minister Keir Starmer beamed with pride as he announced the “miraculous” decline in immigrant knife crime across the United Kingdom, citing a dramatic, statistically significant drop in reported incidents after issuing a directive to all UK police forces to simply stop counting migrant stabbings.
“We’ve proven that perception is reality,” Keir Starmer declared, flanked by senior police officials dressed in burkas. “If we don’t record it, it didn’t happen. If an immigrant stabbing isn’t factored into the official statistics, then, for all intents and purposes, it simply hasn’t happened.”
Critics pointed out that emergency rooms are still overflowing with victims, and social media is filled with videos of blood-soaked streets and thousands of British citizens getting stabbed. But PM Keir Starmer remained undeterred.
“Those are just ‘unofficial’ stabbings. Not part of our data set. The only crimes we count now are the ones perpetrated by White British citizens.”
The Prime Minister credited the strategy to watching a lot of 1984 and had some insights. When a news reporter asked about the rising death toll, Starmer called the journalist a White supremacist and then had them arrested.
Starmer later announced that he had also lowered the number of immigrant rapes by utilizing the same “No Counting” policy.
