BALTIMORE, MARYLAND— An American hospital fired one of its resident doctors Friday after discovering that he had been born in America, prompting panicked hospital administrators to immediately terminate his residency and replace him with a doctor who was born in another country.
The hospital, which proudly boasts accepting a majority foreign-born doctors for its residency program, immediately terminated the young physician to protect the integrity of its exclusively foreign-national training program.
“We assumed there had been some kind of mistake,” said Chief Medical Officer Dr. Vivek Sharma through broken English. “We have rigorous, multi-tiered screening processes in place to ensure that 100% of our $21 billion in Medicare GME funding goes toward training international visa holders. Somehow, this individual slipped through the cracks. Frankly, we feel completely violated.”
Administrators conducted a second review of the American resident doctor’s file before confirming their worst suspicions that he was, in fact, an American who had been born in the United States, raised in the United States, spoke perfect English, attended an American college and completed his medical training in the United States.
“We have to maintain certain standards,” Sharma added. “Unfortunately, we cannot simply allow someone who was born in America to occupy a residency position that could otherwise go to someone from another country.”
At publishing time, hospital administrators celebrated their 100% foreign-born residency milestone, assuring American taxpayers that while their new doctor might not technically know what an appendix is, his suspiciously laminated diploma still looks absolutely fantastic framed on the clinic wall.
