SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Following the closure of polling places for the state’s high-stakes primary elections, the California Secretary of State’s office issued an urgent press release warning citizens that it could take up to six weeks to calculate the exact number of uncounted ballots required for the establishment Democratic candidates to pull ahead.
State election officials urged the public to remain calm, explaining that reverse-engineering a precise, mathematically unassailable victory for the party’s preferred candidates is a delicate administrative science that simply can’t be rushed.
“We want to remind all Californians that a fair, secure, and robust democratic process takes time,” declared Governor Gavin Newsom during a post-election press conference. “Specifically, however much time it takes to see how much the Republicans are leading by, calculate the margin of difference, and then locate the appropriate number of mail-in ballots inside a locked storage unit. We ask that the public refrain from rushing this delicate mathematical equation.”
Critics point out that other states and even countries finish national elections in less than 24 hours, while California officials claim if they only counted the votes that exist on election night, they’d be completely leaving out the votes that should exist three weeks from now.
At press time, Governor Gavin Newsom had released a video statement, assuring anxious voters that regardless of how long the counting takes, the election would be officially certified the very millisecond Democrats were mathematically guaranteed to win.
