SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA– In response to Republican Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signing a bill to allow non-Satanic chaplains inside schools, progressive Democrat Governor Gavin Newsom took the opposite approach by banning all Christian chaplains and then appointing Satan as head of California’s Department of Education.
Newsom was all smiles as he stood side-by-side with the Devil in an early morning press conference to announce the appointment of Satan and also California’s plans on making Satanism the state’s only religion.
“Governor Ron DeSantis’ chaplain bill is a slap in the face of every child sacrificing Satanist in America,” said Newsom as Satan grinned from ear to ear. “I just want our marginalized Satan worshipping community to know that you are safe here in California. California continues to do the bidding of the Evil One by making our state as perverted as possible.”
After shaking Newsom’s hand and then forcing the greasy governor to bow down before him, Satan gave an acceptance speech and promised everyone that he will do his best to help Democrat’s continue the degradation of the once beautiful state of California.
“Thank you, servant Gavin, for the opportunity to help bring Hell to California,” said Satan in a deep baritone voice while Newsom performed a ritual in his honor. “I promise I will do the best and fairest job that I can here in California for everyone, including the state’s Christian and Catholic people. Well, as long as you give up worshipping God and bow down before me, just like my little bitch Gavin’s doing here now.”
President Biden congratulated Satan and told the new education leader to “give them hell” and that, even though he may identify as Catholic on the outside, his record as a politician proves the opposite.
