WASHINGTON– Frustrated with the lack of fear in the majority of Americans, Joe Biden has vowed to increase his fearmongering tactics in an effort to get everyone extremely panicked and afraid to die of the most realist and deadliest of viruses in history so that vaccine-free people will run out and inject themselves with the vaccine that he says doesn’t work but you still need to get it anyway because, well, just because.
The most popular president in history has outlined these seven steps that he plans on implementing to encourage the millions of hesitant Americans who choose to think for themselves and make their own medical decisions into getting stabbed.
1) Tell the unvaccinated they’re going to die: Biden says death will be so much worse and you’ll be even more dead than dead if you don’t take the COVID serum shot. He said just look at all the vaccinated bodies piling up as proof of how safe the vaccine is.
2) Tell the vaccinated they’re going to die: Who’s fully vaccinated nowadays anyway? According to the world’s smartest doctor and dog lover Dr. Fauci even those who are going on their twentieth booster shot are not fully vaccinated yet. So get ready to roll up your sleeve for your weekly Fauci ouchies.
3) Tell children they’re going to die: What better way to frighten children into begging for large, sharp syringes than by having puppets tell them they’ll die an agonizing death without the vaccine. Head puppet Joe Biden will be joining next week’s episode of Sesame Street where anti-vaxxer Oscar the Grouch dies a slow, agonizing death from not heeding the president’s stark warning.
4) Tell owners their pets are going to die: The powers that be know how much people love their cats and dogs, so letting them know that if they don’t get jabbed then they’ll most certainly kill their favorite pet the next time Fido licks their face.
5) Put out endless statements telling people they’re going to die: If addressing the nation via a prerecorded CGI video doesn’t work, then try blasting out official White House statements and ubiquitous written propaganda, that way Biden’s clone won’t garble up the words and say the wrong thing, giving fodder for another YouTube gaffe video.
6) Have Dr. Fauci go on CNN for the five millionth time and tell people they’re going to die: Full-time CNN host and part-time doctor Anthony Fauci has been sounding the alarm for over two years now that if we don’t take 14 days to slow the spread then we’re all going to die any minute now. Fauci says if you don’t get your ninetieth gene therapy injection and five hundredth booster shot you won’t make it through winter. He promises it has nothing to do with his bank account, the Great Reset, or depopulation.
7) Go on live TV and get the thirtieth saline shot while telling everyone they’re going to die: Biden is a president who leads by example, which is why he shows all the anti-science deniers how it’s done, by getting fake coronavirus injections to coerce the gullible populace into actually believing the elites are also taking the same COVID solution as the peons.
Honorable mention:
8) Tell them they’ll kill grandma: Since this scare tactic was already used extensively during last year’s portion of the pandemic to oust Trump and because Democrat governors already killed most grandmothers anyway, Biden plans on only using this step again if all the other seven options don’t work.
Well, there you have it. Biden’s most coherent plan at encouraging not only all Americans, but the entire world’s population except for the elites, to take the totally safe and necessary vaccine so that you too may avoid the sniffles this year and a most certain two days of feeling a little weak and kind of tired.
