WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly spotted four separate Dan Sullivans on Alaska’s Senate ballot this week, expressing confusion over why election officials were only acknowledging the existence of two of them.
“Look, folks in Washington are making a huge deal about there being two Dan Sullivans on the ballot,” said Harris in confusion, who had enjoyed several glasses of wine before examining the ballot. “But when you step back and look through the prism of what is unburdened by what has been, there are very clearly four of them.”
Harris, who was called in to help Democrats make sense of the increasingly controversial effort to recruit a second Dan Sullivan, insisted that the presence of multiple candidates sharing the same name was nothing unusual, although she questioned why there weren’t even more of them.
“If you get into the voting booth and you’re having trouble deciding between all four Sullivans, the easiest fix is simply to close your left eye,” she continued, pouring herself another glass of Chardonnay. “Once you cover one eye, the two outside Sullivans merge back into the middle Sullivans, and everything becomes perfectly crystal clear. It’s about optics, folks. Literally.”
At press time, Harris had reportedly finished an entire bottle of wine and was demanding to know why Republicans were only investigating two of the eight Dan Sullivans she was now seeing.
