WASHINGTON—Refusing to let a crushing electoral defeat silence her voice, former Vice President Kamala Harris delivered her own State of the Union address Tuesday night from the comfort of her home bar, addressing an intimate audience consisting of her most loyal liquor cabinet members Jack Daniel’s whiskey, Jim Beam bourbon, and Jose Cuervo tequila.
Harris, seated at a table in front of her liquor cabinet, began her remarks with a cackle before launching into a meandering monologue on the state of her inebriation.
“My fellow Americans, and my loyal cabinet members Jack, Jim, and Jose,” Harris declared, grabbing a half-empty bottle of Cuervo Gold. “I live in a state, and this state is in a union. And in this union I’m giving an address.”
After downing the rest of the bottle of tequila, Harris added, “Let me be clear. When we look at the Venn diagram of… of where we are, and where the bottom of this glass is… we see that time is just a construct. And we must do the work. The work of finishing this tequila.”
At press time, it was also reported that former Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was also delivering her own private State of the Union address to a few seagulls on her front lawn.
