TOKYO, JAPAN — The Japanese government assured concerned citizens Wednesday that it had learned absolutely nothing from Europe’s immigration experience, insisting that the country’s new worker mobility agreement with Bangladesh would proceed exactly as planned despite widespread public opposition and mounting evidence that importing large numbers of foreign workers might have consequences beyond filling vacancies.
Addressing a nation that currently ranks among the most homogeneous on Earth, Japanese officials insisted that importing hundreds of thousands of foreign Muslim workers under the newly expanded BIG-B Initiative will end completely differently for Japan, primarily because Tokyo intends to ask everyone very nicely to blend in.
“We have carefully studied the experiences of European nations and concluded that whatever happened there could never happen here,” said Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi, explaining that Japan’s unique culture, centuries-old traditions, and famously orderly society would remain completely unaffected by policies that have destroyed Europe. “Japan is a very different country. We have bowing, punctual trains, and extremely specific rules about sorting garbage. We see no reason these advantages would be compromised by changes to our population.”
Millions of worried Japanese citizens have expressed opposition to expanded immigration, questioning why their government appeared determined to pursue a policy that would create the exact same parallel-society dilemmas and high-crime currently facing the UK, France, and Germany.
To address the backlash, cabinet ministers unveiled a series of preventative measures to protect the public from the incoming foreigners, including requiring Japanese women to dress modestly in burkas to reduce their chances of being raped, advising them to avoid riding the subway at night to avoid being stabbed, and removing pork from all restaurants.
