HEAVEN — Putting out an emergency celestial statement to clear up what He described as “mounting divine brand confusion,” God Almighty officially requested Tuesday that Texas Senate candidate James Talarico immediately cease to explain His views on a variety of theological and political issues.
“Look, I’ve tolerated a lot of politicians dropping My name over the millennia,” God said in a statement released from Heaven. “But this Talarico kid is out here telling national news anchors that I’m a ‘non-binary verb’ and that Jesus Christ is not the sole Way to Heaven. I’ve been doing this for a pretty long time, and I think I’d know if I needed someone to explain My own positions to Me.”
According to sources close to the Almighty, the request came after Talarico made several public statements about God’s views on gender, Christianity, and other matters, prompting God to review the candidate’s remarks and question how He had apparently acquired so many opinions without being consulted.
Reached for comment, the Talarico campaign thanked God for His feedback before offering to explain why He was wrong about His own nature, suggesting that a few lessons in Koine Greek and progressive theology might help the Almighty better understand Himself.
At press time, God had reportedly begun drafting a new set of commandments, including one instructing politicians to stop attributing their own opinions to Him, while considering whether to add a footnote to the Bible reading, Any resemblance to the personal beliefs of James Talarico is purely coincidental.
