LONDON, UK — The Metropolitan Police confirmed that officers have arrested a local man after investigators discovered he had managed to go an entire seven consecutive days without being stabbed, describing the feat as “so statistically improbable that it demanded immediate police intervention.”
Authorities say the 38-year-old suspect first came to their attention after an automated public safety algorithm flagged him for displaying what officials called “an unrealistic absence of knife-related incidents.”
“Our systems showed this individual had spent an entire week commuting to work, visiting the grocery store, and returning home each evening without suffering a single stab wound,” said Detective Inspector Nigel Pembroke, adjusting his stab-proof vest. “In modern Britain, an intact torso is a clear indicator of subversive, far-right isolationism. If you are participating in a tolerant, multicultural society, you should have at least three to four stitches by Wednesday.”
UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer warned the public that intentionally avoiding being stabbed places an undue burden on the state, as police are forced to waste valuable resources tracking down citizens who aren’t bleeding instead of arresting 12-year-olds for posting offensive memes online.
At publishing time, the suspect was being held without bail in a maximum-security cell after a forensic search of his internet history revealed he had used an illegal VPN to Google “how to buy a thicker coat.”
