OTTAWA, CANADA – Fresh from their crushing defeat in the 2025 World Series to the LA Dodgers, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that the Toronto Blue Jays will be euthanized under Canada’s Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) program, in a move Carney explains is part of his government’s commitment to “compassionate efficiency” in dealing with “failing” Canadians.
“These players gave their all in this year’s World Series,” PM Carney said in between stutters. “But we’ve determined that, um, the emotional distress and financial burden these players have placed on our nation cannot be allowed to continue. It’s simply, uh, more humane-and cost-effective-to end their suffering now rather than let them linger in a life of disappointment and mediocrity.”
The euthanasia program, which has seen a significant expansion under former Prime Minister Trudeau’s leadership, has been criticized for its broad eligibility criteria, including allowing individuals to opt for death due to “irremediable” conditions such as hearing loss, obesity, poverty, a toothache, hemorrhoids, or even a hangnail. Critics argue that the program has become a tool for the government to eliminate “undesirable” citizens.
When asked how the players would be euthanized, Health Minister Marjorie Michel revealed that the process would involve a “dignified” lethal injection administered by a team of highly trained Indian immigrants with a fifth grade education.
Critics have called the move extreme and an abuse of power, but Carney dismissed these concerns, citing the “unanimous” support of the Liberal caucus and his desire to fulfill the globalist WEF agenda of reducing carbon emissions by killing as many people as possible.
In related news, the Montreal Canadiens have been placed on “death watch” after their dismal performance in the NHL preseason.
