WASHINGTON– As the government shutdown stretches into its fifth week, reports are emerging of furloughed research scientists descending into madness, their withdrawal symptoms so severe that they’re now experimenting on their own family members to replace that daily high from testing on animals.
Dr. John Sebastian, a leading neuroscientist at NIH, was found last week experimenting on his 8-year-old son to study the effects of hallucinogens on juvenile brain development. When questioned by authorities, Dr. Sebastian said he missed the feeling he got listening to the squeaky little noise the mice made whenever they got prodded or poked.
Meanwhile, Dr. Brian Taylor, a cardiovascular researcher, has converted his garage into a makeshift lab where he’s been performing open-heart surgery on his lovely wife Rita.
“It’s not the same as vivisecting a rat,” Dr. Taylor admitted, “but hopefully this will hold me over until the government opens back up and I can get back to performing unnecessary experiments on monkeys and cats. My wife’s a good sport for letting me open her up, but I’m getting the feeling she can’t wait till I get back to work.”
The American Psychological Association has issued a statement urging furloughed scientists to seek professional help, but many are too far gone.
“I’ve already dissected my mom’s goldfish,” confessed Dr. Lisa Nguyen, a molecular biologist. “Now I’m just waiting for my husband to fall asleep so I can test the effects of methamphetamine on human testicles.”
