KIEV, UKRAINE– Russian President Vladimir Putin has officially surrendered and has begun withdrawing his troops from Ukraine after former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went to Ukraine and began twerking on the front line by stripping down to his underwear and shaking his large butt, earning him the nickname “White Lizzo.”
Millions of people around the world are praising the obese Republican presidential candidate Christie for his ingenuity, diplomatic skills, and ability to stop Vladimir Putin and avert possible World War 3.
“Please, for the love of God, make it stop,” said Putin to his top military advisors as he watched Christie twerking from a satellite camera. “This is the most disgusting display I have ever witnessed. I always knew the United States would do whatever it takes to win a war, but this has broken me. I surrender.”
After Putin gouged out his eyes and begged someone to just end his life so he could get the image of the fat dancing man out of his head, Christie gave a press conference in front of a cheering crowd while only wearing a Ukraine flag over his groin.
“This is why the United States is still the most feared country in the world,” said Christie after hearing the news that Putin gouged out his eyes. “They say white men can’t dance, but most white men don’t have an ass like this. I’m challenging Trump to a twerk off. Winner takes the White House.”
Christie ended the speech by announcing that he had chosen black singer Lizzo as his vice president and promised the two of them would win over voters with their talented ass-shaking skills.
“I might even have a few banana eating contests on the campaign trail,” joked Christie, referring to the Lizzo banana eating controversy.
