WASHINGTON– In a move to quell widespread panic after a video surfaced of a reanimated corpse feasting on a congressional staffer’s brain in the Senate chamber, the U.S. Congress issued an official statement today confirming that the undead figure was simply Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) gnawing on the exposed cerebral cortex of a junior aide during a late-night session.
“The American people can rest easy knowing there was no actual zombie outbreak in the Capitol,” read the statement. “Senator McConnell was simply engaging in his usual legislative routine of absorbing the intellectual vitality of a subordinate.”
When questioned about the incident, the gaunt and pale 183-year-old Mitch McConnell brushed it off as “business as usual,” noting that he loves to often “dive deep” into his work by occasionally snacking on a few neurons of the living to keep his edge.
Senator Lindsey Graham defended his Republican colleague, saying, “Mitch is as sharp as he’s ever been, and he has a voracious appetite for policy and for the very minds that help formulate it. It’s what keeps him going. Frankly, I’ve been known to bite down on some of my own male staffers, but it’s not their brains that I’m hungry for.”
The incident has sparked renewed calls for congressional term limits, with critics arguing that McConnell’s behavior is exactly why politicians need to be retired before they start eating staffers and aides while still in office.
