NEW YORK, NEW YORK– While on the campaign trail stumping for his fellow Democrat, former President Barack Obama has taken New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani under his wing, teaching the young socialist how to drone strike innocent civilians with precision and flair in the same way that he did while he was Commander-in-Chief.
According to sources close to both camps, Obama regaled Zohran with stories of his time as “Drone King” of the United States, promising to teach Mamdani everything he knows about the art of the drone strike.
“I too started out as a community organizer just like you, Zohran,” said Obama as he massaged Mamdani’s shoulder. “But you quickly learn that clipboards and petitions just don’t fulfill that desire to murder people. Have you ever heard of a Reaper drone? The MQ-9 has a fantastic loiter time. You could slaughter an entire community of people without ever leaving Gracie Mansion.”
Obama, known for his record-breaking 563 drone strikes during his presidency, was seen tearing up as he reminisced about the thousands of people he killed in foreign lands.
When asked about the ethics of teaching drone strikes to a mayoral candidate, Obama smirked and said, “Hey, someone’s gotta keep the tradition alive. Besides, Zohran’s got the perfect demographic for it – young, woke, completely oblivious to the consequences of his actions, and just like me, not born in the United States.”
Mamdani gave an interview later, gushing over being trained by the “Drone King” himself. “Barry was like a mentor to me. He showed me how to identify wedding parties as ‘terrorist gatherings’ and how to justify civilian casualties as ‘collateral damage.’ It was like a masterclass in imperialist hypocrisy! And it was so much fun watching body parts splatter.”
Mamdani has already announced plans to deploy drones over Brooklyn to “disrupt gentrification” and “protect affordable housing.” When questioned about potential civilian casualties, he shrugged and said, “Well, as Barry always says, ‘You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.'”
