KIEV, UKRAINE- Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, visibly shaken and clutching a small white baggie, declared a national day of mourning today after learning of the tragic loss of a Venezuelan “Tren de Aragua” boat carrying a “humanitarian aid package” of cocaine, methamphetamine, and fentanyl into international waters. The vessel, blasted out of the water by President Donald Trump’s military, was reportedly en route to supply the United States’ “recreational needs” with “premium-grade inspiration powder.”
Zelensky, his eyes bloodshot and his voice trembling, addressed the Ukrainian parliament in a somber speech. “My fellow Ukrainians, today we mourn the terrible loss of the Venezuelan drug cargo, and would like to honor those fallen packages. That boat was more than just a vessel-it was a lifeline of euphoria for many people such as myself in these dark times.” He paused to sniffle, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “The world may see this as a drug bust, but we see it as a genocide of our serotonin levels.”
The Ukrainian president then led a moment of silence, during which Zelensky was seen sniffing incessantly or scratching himself aggressively. When asked for comment later, Zelensky whispered, “What a waste. What a terrible waste.”
Zelensky later tweeted, “To our Venezuelan brothers, we share your pain. We will rebuild our own stash in honor of the loss of drug life, stronger than ever. #JusticeForCocaine #SaveOurCoke” The Ukrainian president attached a photo of himself holding a lit candle in memory of the lost drug cargo with the caption “For those beautiful powdery friends who never made it to shore. RIP.”
Zelensky later held a private vigil inside of his office, drowning his sorrows in his own secret stash of “emergency morale boosters.”
