BERLIN, GERMANY– During today’s high-profile meeting with European leaders in Germany, German Chancellor Friedrich Merz reported his wallet missing after a seemingly emotional hug with Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky, leading to immediate speculation as to how the incident occurred.
Sources close to the chancellor reported that Friedrich Merz was in tears at the emotional reunion with Zelensky, later reaching for his wallet to pay for lunch with the Ukrainian leader only to discover it had disappeared.
“Oh no, I can’t locate my wallet,” said Friedrich Merz in a panic as Zelensky pretended to be befuddled. “The last time I remember feeling my wallet was right before that hug with my dearest, trustworthy friend President Zelensky. This is a very strange mystery. We may never know how this happened.”
The charismatic and overly generous comedian and actor Zelensky saw his opportunity and stepped in to offer to pay for lunch with the money he stole from the wallet.
“Don’t worry, Friedrich, I’ll pay for lunch,” said Zelensky with a sly smile after quietly pulling out a wad of euros. “This is what friends are for. Since I have shown my goodwill to you by paying for your lunch with, um, my money, then perhaps you can return the favor by donating a measly one hundred billion euros to continue my war efforts.”
After security cameras later proved he had stolen the wallet out of Merz’s coat pocket, Zelensky denied any involvement in the theft and claimed the incident was a Russian disinformation campaign to slander him as a grifting, cokehead criminal.
