PONCE, PUERTO RICO– While surveying the damages done from Hurricane Fiona in Puerto Rico, President Joe Biden made a major announcement to the world that he is in fact sort of a Puerto Rican man and has decided to change his name to the more Hispanic-sounding José, promising everyone that he wasn’t telling typical Democrat lies just because he was surrounded by hundreds of real Puerto Ricans.
“I was sort of raised in the Puerto Rican community at home politically,” said Biden to the crowd of confused people. “I sort of grew up in a Puerto Rican household with sort of Puerto Rican parents who fed me the the most delicioso sort of Puerto Rican food while I listened to sort of Puerto Rican music in my super swell sort of Puerto Rican car.”
Because of his sort of Puerto Rican past, said Biden, he decided to stop pretending he was a full-blooded white man and has officially changed his first name to José, and has already removed the American flag from the White House and hoisted up the flag of Puerto Rico.
“I promise all my sort of Spanish taco family that I’m not lying because I’m in Puerto Rico or because I want the Puerto Rican vote,” said Biden as First Lady Jill tried pulling her embarrassing husband from off the stage. “To help my sort of Puerto Rican brothers and sisters recover from this devastating hurricane, I will be immediately approving funding to give you people millions of switchblades and hundreds of sombreros to help protect you from any future hurricanes.”
Biden said that he has wanted to be honest about his sort of Puerto Rican heritage for a long time, reminding everyone of the time he played the song Despacito on his phone during the 2020 Hispanic Heritage month event.