SUNNYDALE, CALIFORNIA– Not certain who’s safe to bite anymore, a distressed vampire out of California said he’s scared of drinking living human being’s blood nowadays due to so many people taking the experimental gene therapy COVID shot.
The 369-year-old vampire Nikolas has been having difficulties lately finding someone in the state of California who he can safely feast on and not have to worry about catching their dangerous, infectious spike proteins.
“I’ve been drinking people’s blood for over three hundred years.” said Nikolas while searching through a dating site for purebloods. “And I’ve never been so scared to approach people in an effort to suck their blood than I have these past couple years. With so many potential victims possibly being infected with the bioweapon COVID serum I just don’t know who I can trust to suck out their lifeforce.”
Nikolas hinted that he has been contemplating moving to an American state where there are less people who got vaccinated, saying how horrible it is being in California surrounded by pink-haired weirdos walking around with their “I’M SAFE, I GOT VACCINATED” tattoos imprinted on their arms.
The undead man has been trying to keep a safe distance from anyone with some telltale signs of vaccination, including pink or purple hair, crazy eyes, wearing face masks, or coming out of hospitals after their third or fourth heart attacks.
“One of my vampire friends told me I should just wait it out,” said Nikolas, holding out hope that more vaxxers will start dropping to make it easier to find purebloods. “It does pain me inside every time I check the obituaries and see more and more young people dying suddenly. That’s so much young, fresh blood that’s gone to waste.”
