DALLAS, TEXAS– A major drug company out of Dallas has finally created a drug for those individuals who have become affected with the malady known as life, giving hope to millions of people who have to suffer every day with this terrible disease.
Slated to hit pharmacies by Christmas, the new drug Muerte is a mortemoic that promotes cessation of any living thing. When used properly, it can be given to senior citizens who have no further use to society, children who refuse to sleep at night, and even animals who are too spry and energetic.
Off-label, it can be used for all the aforementioned ailments as well as anyone who comes into the doctors office and complains of having a painful enjoyment of life and a willingness to live.
“We ‘re proud to say that Muerte will finally take care of that annoying disease known as living,” said Oscar Wilde Twain, spokesman for the drug company who invented Muerte. “Now every man, woman, and child can finally have some peace of mind knowing that curing life is only a few pills away.”
Similar to antibiotics, Muerte will be given in daily doses, with patients taking the highest dose on the first day and gradually taking less every day until the last pill totally removes life.
When asked if there are any long term effects of taking Muerte, Twain was optimistic.
“In our clinical trials most test subjects were cured of the disease,” he said as he handed out Muerte samples to reporters to try. “But as we all know, only time will tell if Muerte will cause any long-term damage to patients. Oh well.”
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