HARRISBURG, ILLINOIS– Sasquatch sleuths were ecstatic after hearing that an Illinois man claimed he saw the mysterious Bigfoot creature similar to the one seen in the grainy 1967 film, but were immediately letdown once they found out the identity of the hairy, ape-like creature was actually billionaire, sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.
The witness says he spotted the creature while out camping with his two attractive, teenage daughters in the Shawnee National Forest and immediately told his young women to try to draw out the shaggy-looking beast so he could take its picture for evidence.
Once the dad caught the creature on video trying to grope his two female children that’s when he realized that Bigfoot was just that Jeffrey Epstein guy who gained minor fame in 2019 when he escaped from prison by pretending to commit suicide.
“To say this was a letdown is an understatement,” said the man as a crowd of people booed him for getting their hopes up. “I apologize for leading everyone on and for misleading people into thinking that I had actually made a worthwhile discovery.”
A head Sasquatch researcher was in tears, saying, “The scientific community is extremely disappointed after we thought we had finally captured the glorious Bigfoot, only to find out it was just that sex trafficker guy who died a mysterious death. Who cares?”
Authorities are investigating the case of mistaken identity, and have already charged the father for pretending he had a huge story when in fact it was just old, unimportant news.
UPDATE: After this article was written, it was reported that the witness who recorded Epstein alive has committed suicide by shooting himself nine times in the back of the head before throwing himself into a dumpster. Police assure everyone there’s nothing to see here.
