RANGOON, BURMA– With all the world watching in anticipation, scientists at the Mae Tao Clinic in Burma have recently invented a pill that guarantees to turn anyone gay, despite numerous setbacks from internal resistance by religious employees who kept constantly tainting experiments by shouting Bible verses at test tubes.
In a lengthy two page expose laying out the groundbreaking work done by a team of dedicated scientists, the pill, which has already been heralded as the greatest discovery since the infamous Monica Lewinsky dress, promises to revolutionize the fashion world, reality television and chic salons with an influx of more advanced and creative individuals.
“The world took a giant step forward today,” said 32 year old Mae Tao scientist Chit Htut by way of translator. “With this discovery, anyone can become gay and feel liberated knowing that they have evolved as a human. This is only the first stage in our three step process of graduating in existence. The second step involves a pill that turns straight people who took this gay pill and turns them back straight. Then the third process turns the straight person who took the gay pill and then took the straight pill back to gay again.”
“This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” said Mae Tao janitor Myint Naing as he mopped up the laboratory floor with bleach. “I’m so ecstatic to be able to tell the world that I took part in this historical process. I still can’t believe that the Mae Tao Clinic lets their janitors with third grade educations work on the scientific aspects of what they do here.”
The groundbreaking pill has been named the George Michael pill because of a user’s ability to cloak themselves as a heterosexual whenever out in public.
“The GM pill saturates the hypothalamus of the brain with an influx of 16-tetraen-3-ol,” Chit Htut explained, holding up a paper with numerous mathematical calculations on it. “The 16-tetraen-3-ol is an estrogen-like substance normally found in women’s urine, but we were able to harness it and flood the amygdala, thus increasing the brain’s inter-hemispheric neural connectivity.”
“This puts to bed all the false ideologies that homosexuality is caused by societal factors, moral leanings, upbringing, and educational attainments. Did I mention that the world took a huge step forward today?”
Look for the GM pill to be given away for free at local schools, government buildings, hospitals, doctor’s offices, supermarkets, or wherever unnecessary, dangerous pills are sold.
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Maybe next they’ll invent gay that turns people pill.
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars