OTTAWA, CANADA– Amid a spiraling national housing crisis, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney reassured struggling citizens that the country’s crippling housing crisis “won’t affect him personally.”
Speaking from the marble foyer of his 12-bedroom Ottawa mansion, Mark Carney addressed Canada’s housing problem that has seen millions of Canadians priced out of the market and tent cities that have become permanent fixtures in major urban centers.
“I want to speak directly to all Canadians who are feeling the strain of the current housing discourse,” said Prime Minister Carney, lighting a cigar with a hundred dollar bill. “I want to set all of your minds at ease with this statement: I’ve got a 6-car garage, a private movie theater, and a moat filled with champagne. So let me be unequivocally clear: the crisis will not be affecting me. The fact that 80% of Canadians can’t afford a 1-bedroom apartment doesn’t affect my lifestyle. So don’t worry, my homes are fine.”
When questioned about the 400,000 Canadians currently homeless, Mark Carney smirked, “Well, they’re not exactly my constituents, are they? So, why are you asking me? Maybe you should ask whomever is currently the prime minister of Canada, Pierre What’s-His-Face.”
The Prime Minister also announced plans to convert the nation’s remaining affordable housing stock into “eco-friendly” luxury condos for foreigners, promising to bring in millions more Indian laborers to build them.
As the interview concluded, Carney reminded Canadians that he will be thinking of them and their struggles from a safe, comfortable, and luxurious distance.
