OTTAWA, CANADA– Only one day after hundreds of ostriches were culled by the Canadian Food Inspection Agency, a peaceful flock of Canada geese gathered outside Parliament Hill was thrown into chaos Saturday morning after one of them let out what witnesses described as a “suspiciously phlegmy honk” just as Prime Minister Mark Carney and several MPs were walking into the building.
According to onlookers, the flock froze in unison as Carney turned his head sharply toward the noise. Within seconds, several federal health officials—who apparently now travel everywhere with “avian containment kits”—were spotted whispering into their radios.
“No, don’t worry, it was just a normal honk, eh,” squawked one terrified goose as health officials put on their hazmat suits. “First, it was the ostriches, and now we’re going to be next. I’m not taking any chances. Let’s get the hell out of here.”
As a van labeled Canadian Food Inspection Agency backed up toward the Canada geese, the worried birds reportedly scattered in panic, some taking refuge near the Rideau Canal, others fleeing to Quebec. One particularly defiant bird was seen standing on the Parliament steps with a sign reading “GEESE LIVES MATTER.”
“They told the ostriches it was just an innocent health check,” whispered a trembling goose, looking around nervously. “Then the next thing they knew they were facing a firing squad. We all saw the videos. Now they’re saying one of us coughed? Oh no, we’re booking it to the United States.”
In unrelated news, the Canadian Food Inspection Agency has quietly ordered 500 new “avian containment units,” which officials insist are “purely coincidental and have nothing to do with getting ready to kill thousands of geese.”
