WASHINGTON– America’s favorite physician Dr. Fauci made a startling announcement this week, saying he’s considering retiring from his top-paying government job to focus exclusively on torturing dogs and puppies in gruesome science experiments for the betterment of humanity.
Dr. Anthony Fauci made the remarks on his new podcast where he discusses the ins and outs of painful animal experimentation, signaling he would like to have more free time to murder animals within the comfort of his own home.
“I can’t kill animals for the government forever,” said Fauci jokingly as the sounds of yelping canines could be heard in the background. “That’s why I’ve been toying with the idea of retirement, that way I can torture animals for my own pleasure whenever I have downtime from concocting poisonous vaccines.”
The good doctor has become a household name ever since his introduction into the mainstream due to the totally real and scary COVID-19 pandemic, with millions of adoring liberals decorating their bedrooms with Fauci’s likeness on pillows, paintings, and tattoos across their children’s faces.
“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” said Fauci in reference to him learning everything there is to know about puppy mutilation. “So as soon as this COVID pandemic is over I’ll be stepping down from my position as the top infectious disease expert, which means I’ll probably be retiring in another forty-five years or so.”
DISCLAIMER: No dogs were harmed in the writing of this story, being that Dr. Fauci was locked out of the room while the story was being posted.
