WASHINGTON– In a historic move to “diversify” the Bureau’s skillset, FBI Director Kash Patel announced the hiring of 10,000 Indian nationals who previously worked as call center scammers impersonating FBI agents. The recruits, flown to the U.S. on H1B visas, will undergo minimal training before hitting the field.
“We’re leveraging their existing expertise,” Kash Patel explained during a press conference. “These individuals have spent years perfecting the art of convincing Americans their Social Security numbers are suspended. Now, they’ll do it for real.”
New recruits will retain their scamming scripts as part of their FBI training curriculum, utilizing their ability to impersonate real FBI agents to defraud Americans.
“The ‘Microsoft Tech Support’ protocol has proven effective for extracting sensitive information,” said Patel. “A good con artist knows how to adapt, and that’s exactly what we need in the field.”
The new Indian FBI agents are now authorized to threaten Americans with arrest unless they provide financial information. “It’s a game-changer,” said new recruit Randeep Khan. “Before, I had to fake an American accent and call myself ‘Kevin.’ Now, I can just be myself and still scare grandma into sending me cash.”
Critics argue the move undermines the FBI’s credibility, but Patel dismisses concerns, saying, “Who better to catch scammers than those who perfected the craft?” The Bureau has already seen results, with a 500% increase in “voluntary” asset seizures, including from Americans who never even owed any money.”
When asked about potential backlash, Kash Patel smirked, “Let them try to cancel us. We’ll just call them and tell them their iCloud account is hacked. I already have plans on replacing every American agent with H1B workers.”
